Above All, Your Real Job is to Never Give Up!

It takes being a parent to totally grasp what parenting is all about. In fact, I have learned that one has to be at this selfless job for more than just a few years to totally come to grips with how incredibly ignorant we were about parenting in the first place. To those who play golf I would give them the analogy of how simple the game seemed before they ever played a game. Come on, how hard could it be to hit a little ball down a beautiful green field and put it into a hole? In fact, the first time anyone plays golf they are typically amazed at how quickly they can learn to hit the ball straight with just a few tips from a friend. But then they go and invest in a set of golf clubs, some dorky looking shoes, maybe even take a few lessons, and when they return to play the game truly thinking that they will be so much better at it, they find themselves losing more balls than they did when they knew absolutely nothing about golf in the first place. Funny how that goes, the more you practice, the harder the game becomes even if you get better at it. Well, that is a bit like what parenting is in real life. The longer we are parents, the harder the job becomes and then we realize how simpler it was in the beginning. This is why we find so many grandparents telling their children how important it is for them to enjoy their kids while they are little. Grandparents also tend to give the advice to younger parents to not be so hard on our kids when they are young, knowing well that in time there will be plenty of things for the parents to take immensely seriously when they grow older. My mother’s youngest brother and parent of two boys, one of my uncles, has told me many times that “as your kids get older, the problems always get larger, prepare yourself…” as a warning of things to come. Even though I tend to agree with my dear uncle, I also believe that you should not live life waiting for the dark moments. Since dark moments have a way of showing up uninvited regardless, I am one to try to keep a more positive perspective and not be the one that triggers their invitation in the first place. I rather deal with those moments as they show up, than live my life waiting in fear for them to reveal themselves.

All this being said though, I barely have any time to spend second guessing myself with regards to the decisions I have made parenting my children. I believe that this is the same for other parents too. From the moment we bring home our little bundles of joy, until the day they flee the nest to begin their independent lives, we as parents invest an enormous amount of time, energy, and not to mention money taking in our new roles as caretakers, enforcers, guides, and counselors. Very few times during those irreversible years do we ever have an opportunity to once again breath the air of peace and solitude that we once so easily took for granted and later were so eager to give up in exchange of having children. In fact, at every stage of their lives we seem to live as if constantly throwing pennies into a wishing well hoping that what is next to come will be somewhat better than the days we just went through. Maybe when he is potty trained things will be so much easier than constantly cleaning his poopy butt. Maybe when he starts to talk I’ll be able to tell what it is that he cries so much about. Maybe when he is finally in school, all the pre-school nonsense and headaches will go away. Maybe when he finally has some real friends it will be easier to get him involved in some sports or special activities. I bet that as soon as he starts liking girls he’ll begin brushing his teeth and wearing deodorant without me having to tell him to do so every morning. Our fantasies go on and on with respect to how we visualize improvement in the future without realizing that at every stage a new and more difficult challenge creeps up its head to make the past look trivial in retrospect. Oh how I wish that my biggest problem would be the burden of having to buy diapers by the truck load! It is no wonder that so many mothers become depressed soon after giving birth to a child. Not only do their environmental, physiological, and emotional worlds change without warning, but to top it off they are no longer just responsible for their singular life, but also the entire life of the new born creature. It must feel as if at every corner someone is judging their ability to be a good mother, while at the same time almost no one is willing to do anything to lessen the weight of it all.

You will almost never find a parent referring to caring for their children as it being a burden. Rarely will you hear those words reveal themselves from the lips of a mother or father that loves their kids. Yet deep inside we all know that there are very few words to describe the enormous amount of responsibility and hard work that it takes to be a good parent. The job is without a doubt the hardest task anyone will ever have to complete without a good set of instructions or procedures manual. I might sound cold and harsh by talking about raising children in these terms. However, all it takes is to be a parent for a few years to realize that there are very few other ways to describe the weight that is brought upon caring for a child, let alone more than one at a time. Top it off with the fact that in most circumstances being a good parent also means being the bad guy, and soon you come to realize how great your own parents were in the first place.

I write this post today to give you a rare opportunity to reconsider some of the judgements that you might of made towards your own parents in the past. Most of the time we are so self involved in our personal lives that we rarely take a moment to go back in time and understand the reason, the circumstances, and much less the reality under which our own parents behaved and acted under certain circumstances towards us as parents. It seems so much easier to criticize their actions and decisions that it is to truly understand their reasons and motives. I for one feel blessed for having such dedicated parents that cared enough to give it their all in order to be good parents. What they did right or what they did wrong truly matters very little in comparison with what they accomplished in the end. If you are reading this post chances are that you learned enough to recognize that in order for you to be a good parent, you must listen to others, learn from others, and most of all understand that nobody is perfect as a parent. In fact, in my humble opinion, if you feel that you are a perfect parent, then you are well on your way to being a terrible parent in the end. Nothing screams louder “bad parenting” than an individual that thinks that they know it all, and that the only right answer is “their answer”. I believe that the most important rule in good parenting is recognizing that we all make mistakes and that sometimes we need to make amends with what we’ve done wrong in the past in order to get it right in the present.

I can without a shadow of a doubt tell you that if you care enough to take the time to learn from your mistakes that sooner or later you will be well on your way to becoming a good parent. The trick is to never let it all go to your head. Don’t ever make the mistake to think that you already know everything you need to know to be a good parent. As long as you keep the door open to allow yourself to continue to learn, chances are that you are on the right track. Even when you think that you have nothing else to give or nothing else to learn that might change your immediate circumstances, you cannot give in to failure. The truth is that behind every failure there is a lesson that guides your steps towards eventual success. If you keep learning, sooner or later you will succeed. Above all, your real job is to never give up!

By DAD4LIFE

DAD4LIFE blogs at Teen Boys and Dads.