Words are a powerful tool. They can make or break our interactions with others. We know that with Grandma Sylvia we can never mention the ring she lost on vacation in Florida. Uncle Bob gets mad when you mention the year his high school team football team missed the championship game because of a freak snowstorm. And the name Sherrie, the estranged cousin in Timbuktu, should not be brought up in the presence of either of them.
These are just some unspoken rules that play an important role in communicating with our families. Sometimes with our own kids we are not as careful as we are with our extended family members. We might mention that C minus as a way to encourage better grades in the future. Or we might bring up the last time they ran around in the pizza store to remind them to behave better this time. We also might remind them continuously of the time they got a cold because they did not wear their jacket to ensure that they do not get sick again.
Kids do not like it when we bring up their past mistakes or failures. It embarrasses them and puts them on the defensive. They might even feel defiant. They are not inspired to improve their behavior.
Think of it this way. What if your friend said to you: “You can bring something to the bake sale. I hope you remember how bad your cookies were the last time. Make sure not to make those again.” I know I would be mortified. I would think, “Does she have to mention that again? I know I made a mistake. Can’t she just give it a rest?”
Our kids respond in a similar way. They might think: “If she mentions that C minus one more time I am going to scream!” “I saw my friend and we were messing around at the pizza store, it was no big deal. My Dad always makes a mountain out of a molehill.”
“I am never going to wear a coat again. That will show her!”
The problem is, as parents we think that if we don’t remind our kids of their mistakes they will never learn. This is not the case. There is a better way to teach them to improve their behavior. We can ask them thinking questions.
So instead of saying: “Remember the C minus you got on your last math test. You better study this time!” We can ask a thinking question: “Did you think of how you would like to study for your Math test this week? Do you need any help figuring out a plan?”
Instead of saying: “Remember how you behaved last time in the pizza store! You better not do that again. The owner had to tell you to sit down!” We can ask a thinking question: “How are we going to behave in the pizza store this time? Do you want to go over the rules?”
Instead of saying: “How many times have I told you to put on your coat? Do you not remember the last time you ended up with a temperature of 103!” We can ask a thinking question: “What is the temperature outside? What do you think the best coat would be for this weather?”
When we ask our kids these thinking questions we avoid shaming them. We let them know that they are responsible for themselves and their actions. The underlying message is, “We have faith in you. We know that you can improve your grades, your behavior and your judgement.”
This is a more gentle way to encourage kids to learn from their “not so great” past experiences.
Parenting viewpoints from parents in the trenches, because parenting doesn’t come with a manual. In addition to
Thank you very much
Thanks for sharing it is really a great post! Sometimes it is really hard to communicate with our children the way they understand the words we say in a positive way. We should really very careful when communicating with them.
In asking these types of questions, I’d be really careful about seeming condescending. Kids don’t like to be treated like second-class citizens or idiots and will be less likely to listen to you if you talk down to them with questions like, “Do you know the best coat to wear when its cold outside?”
Awesome post it is very interesting. You really did a great write up how we are going to communicate with our children.
I really agree that good parenting is really effective in improving the behavior of your child. Awesome post.