As a man, I find the subject of forgiveness to be full of challenges. Pride rules high in my behavior locking doors that might typically otherwise be open for the opposite gender more easily. Of course there are always exception to the rules, so it might not be that difficult to find females behaving just as stubborn as males when it comes to forgiveness. However, I believe that us men tend to be driven by a set of rules that have been etched into our character and personality as we grow up and then fused by the nature of our male hormones. I say this not to excuse our behavior, but instead to offer some reasoning to our impulsive and sometimes almost impossible to tolerate personalities. Again, there are always exceptions to every rule, so don’t be offended if I am speaking more about me than you.
All of us know how easy or hard it is to forgive based on the degree of damage that the transgressor inflicted on our life. If the crime was meant to cause extreme pain, either physically or emotionally, then the act of forgiveness is much harder to conjure from the victim’s side. If the hurtful deed was a simple accidental event, then forgiveness is a lot simpler to come by. Yet one thing is always certain and constant with respect to this subject, the victim is always in control over the act of forgiveness. This power contained inside of this undeniable truth has the makings of one of the most useful tools in any relationship, including that of a father and his children. Even if the act that requires forgiveness on my end does not affect me directly, as a parent I still have the benefit of being the forgiver and the ability to utilize the moment to teach my children many different lessons.
Forgiveness is probably the healthiest action I have learned in my life to execute. There are intrinsic rewards built into the act of forgiveness which cannot be gained by any other means in life. Once I learned to let go of the emotions that chained my personality against the compassionate act of forgiveness, I then discovered a new sense of freedom that was hidden behind my pride which in itself encouraged anger to sometimes roam free. So in every sense of the word, forgiveness is to me one of the most valuable weapons in my arsenal in my quest to be a better father. Of course, the reward does not come easy since it requires a lot of love and patience in order to be a forgiving person. Love I have in abundance, but patience is much harder to come by when my mind is typically working overtime trying to keep my sanity while my teenage kid’s unpredictable behavior rule my days.
You would think that this is one of the easiest concepts to apply in parenting since we get a lot of practice while our children are growing up. However, it is amazing to me how hard it is to be consistent at this task. I sometimes find myself changing my own guidelines as I might see fit for the occasion. What this means is that sometimes I am more forgiving than others regardless of the act which needs forgiveness. A hectic day at work, a sudden and unexpected financial burden, a not so good emotional moment with someone else in my life, these and many other reasons find a way to modify my forgiving behavior. In parenting, consistency is much more effective than randomness. If I allow certain behavior today, but disallow it tomorrow, chances are I am going to have a hard time getting the desired parental response from my child in the long run.
Forgiveness is only as good as the emotional sleeve with which I wipe the moment away. I must be sincere in my act of forgiving, otherwise my children will eventually find little value to the act in itself and learn a nasty lesson which might self perpetuate itself in the long run. Looking back at my track record with respect to forgiving my boys for their childish transgressions, I can easily recognize how often I resurrected apparently forgiven mistakes when any new and completely different ones floated up to the surface at any given moment in time. It is because of this same reason that I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to truly offer good parenting to my children, I must try to be consistent and even handed when offering the gift of forgiveness. Even if a child commits the same mistake, bringing it all up again with the lecture about how many times they have done it in the past might not truly be the most effective way to react. Instead, focusing on how much nicer life is around our household when the difficult to control behavior is absent has a much better chance to make an impact in the long run.
Rewarding good behavior during the good times seems to be a much more effective way to modify and alter some of the bad behavior that happens in the rough times. In essence, this is why the successful psychology of learning is rooted in positive reinforcement. The rewards for doing things right must outweigh everything else so that the child has a reason to focus his or her efforts on good behavior and not the opposite. Too often I focus more on punishments than on rewards making my ability to influence my children’s behavior a much greater challenge than necessary.
A while back, when my oldest son and I were going through a very difficult time together, we eventually found ourselves having to attend group counseling to be able to work on some of our issues. For weeks we attended conferences in which sometimes I was learning from other parents, and other times I was being educated by the kids themselves. One theme was prevalent on both ends of this process: on each end there seemed to be a need for deep hearted forgiveness in order to open the door for healing. Once both sides had a chance to write down all of the things that had hurt each other, and then at the end of what was called a “Love Letter” included in writing the act of forgiving all of what had been previously stated, that is when true progress was obviously present in the healing of everyone involved. Until then my son and I had crawled in our progress towards having a better relationship. Afterwards we soared by significant leaps.
As a parent I have found myself being hurt in unimaginable ways by words and actions that clearly scarred me much deeper than I ever thought could be possible. As good a father as I have tried to be, I am sure that my own words and actions have done just as heavy a mark on my kid’s emotional state. Because not everyone arrives at the same place at the same time, today I offer you a bit of timeless wisdom. Being a good father will challenge you in more ways than you can dream of. At some level your male “fix it” attitude will have you rushing to find answers in many different places, but sooner or later you will realize that a healthy dose of patience is key to allowing many of the answers to reveal themselves on their own and in unexpected ways. In the meantime, learn to forgive those who hurt you so that you are able to heal and not inflict your own frustration on those that need you the most, your children. Teach your children the value of forgiveness by letting go of not just some of the things that control your emotional state, but as close as possible to all of the things that you are dragging from the past. The sooner you truly forgive, the faster you will be able to understand all the clues that your children are leaving in their path for you to reach them later in life. Parenting is hard enough without so much baggage, let it go and a lot of what is unclear will start to make sense.
Parenting viewpoints from parents in the trenches, because parenting doesn’t come with a manual. In addition to